We live in a society that denies death and rejects mourning.. The experience of mourning the death of someone we love is one of the most difficult and painful experiences that human beings can face..
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When we become aware that an illness that can lead to death can happen to us or our loved ones, we face our own limitations and fears, generating in some cases disappointment because we think that this world is not the one we expected, truncating our goals, projects, plans…questioning our reality and confronting it, beginning what is known as anticipatory grief.
What is anticipatory grief?
It is a process that the patient and their family can experience when they are informed of the diagnosis of an incurable disease., time in which the family and the sick person will experience various emotions and feelings that prepare them emotionally and rationally for the inevitable death.
The anticipated duel could be considered a double duel, the mourning you do when your family member is diagnosed with the disease and the mourning when he or she leaves us.
The progressive deterioration of your family member makes it possible for you to gradually adapt to the idea of their loss and to schedule the time until death is inevitable.. It also offers the opportunity to share feelings, thoughts… and preparing for farewell.
This type of grief can occur months or years before the person leaves.. It is important to remember that this grief is different from that experienced after death..
Anger and denial in some people are the most present, preventing proper acceptance of the process.
Not everyone grieves in advance or does it in the same way..
Evidently, there is a mourning for the loss that is going to come, but we must not anticipate the suffering of absence. We have to make the most of time with our loved one while we can..
Now there is a time to live, the present time, moments to talk, trust, forgive, reconcile and share.
When does anticipatory grief occur??
It occurs in long-term diseases such as amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. (SHE), neurodegenerative diseases, terminal illnesses… I'm going to focus on:
Relatives of Alzheimer's patients (EA)
Anticipatory grief in family members of people with Alzheimer's or another type of dementia is complicated. When a loved one suffers from AD, there are many changes and adaptations that have to be made..
AD entails many losses in the disease itself (they forget the day they are on, what they have to wear and how they should dress, they don't control the money, they have no independence, they forget how to cook, how to do some housework, They forget who their relatives are... and each of these entails a loss for the family.). It's a death in slow motion.
Little by little they are losing their personality. It is very difficult to say goodbye to someone you love so much., since in AD most of the time your physique remains good while your mind slowly loses.
It is difficult to accept that once that person is diagnosed with AD, they will no longer be that person you knew..
Accepting is recognizing the disease and adapting to what it brings us.. listen to us, do not look for blame, stop asking us, why me?, why now?…and the reality of the diagnosis is not going to change no matter how much we don't want to or deny it..
We must let ourselves feel and recognize the emotions that arise throughout this process., rage, anger, the crying, frustration, helplessness, sadness... will make us adapt better to the process and will not remain entrenched in our body.
Getting over death once they leave us can be difficult, since there are people who may feel bad because their feeling is relief and this makes them feel guilty., remorse and pity.
cancer
When we talk about the diagnosis of cancer, we are not talking about a disease that affects only the person who suffers from it., but we are talking about a family illness.
In the patient diagnosed with irreversible cancer.
When a person is diagnosed with irreversible cancer, must carry out his own mourning, You must be aware and accept that in the time you have left you must resolve all the pending issues you have., go through the different phases and emotions until reaching the acceptance of its end. Waiting calmly and serenely for this moment, having said goodbye, shared and lived these last moments in the way he decided.
It's very easy to express it, but very difficult to achieve, since it is very difficult to accept that your moment is near and let it all go, detach. Resisting what is to come will not lead you to a successful outcome. When you stop fighting and accept what is happening to you, emotions will arise.
Share how you feel, Providing yourself with a space for free emotional expression with someone you trust or with a therapist who can give you that emotional support is very necessary to be able to talk., express feelings of helplessness, uncertainty, loss of control(since I cannot control anything that happens to me at the disease level)…Accepting is not the same as resigning.. It is important to learn to accept what does not depend on us, we cannot control it nor can we avoid it, The only thing we can do is choose our internal attitude in the face of the inevitable.. The resignation, instead, is to settle for what happens to us, taking for granted a defeat to something insurmountable.
Relatives of a patient diagnosed with terminal cancer.
When the family is told their relative's diagnosis, a pause arises at that moment., a shock, the hands of the clock stop and they don't know what to do. The days go by and the pain appears, uncertainty, silence, rabia, helplessness and above all the fear of what is to come.
It is essential to live in all emotions, try to close pending issues. We must think that we have little time to do many things, But we must try not to live paralyzed until the end comes because then we can blame ourselves or regret what we did not say or do..
It is very necessary to take care of yourself, because you fall into forgetting yourself, mistakenly believing that the only thing that matters is the patient. Being present with the diagnosed person requires a lot of energy and having good social support., the family member must be allowed to vent.
It is essential to create a space conducive to open communication, where feelings and needs can be addressed, learn to recognize emotions to be able to accept and regulate them in the most appropriate way and thus say goodbye saying everything that is important to you.
Pets with an irreversible disease.
Anticipatory grief when our life partner, faithful friend and unconditional love, still alive, but given the certainty that he is not going to recover, it is very hard, since seeing him suffer without being able to relieve the pain creates anguish and shows us our fragility and weaknesses..
The most important thing is to be by your side, It's these moments giving him all the love he has given us, thanking him and telling him everything we feel and love him.
You must transmit love, tranquility and gratitude when the time comes for the final farewell and if you can not part with him.
How to face anticipated grief?
It's natural to feel hopeless, ira, confusion, happiness, It is normal if the moment leads us to smile…. When we are both caregivers and terminally ill.
Expectations about what it should feel like, how you should behave and when the time comes, How should you recover?, the only thing they do is complicate the duel.
We must not forget that everything we think and feel affects us both in our mind and in our body., that is why it is very important to listen to us, let the emotions come out, feel them, give them their space and take care of ourselves as much as we can.
Terminally ill
The terminally ill go through chaos, an internal revolution, until the possibility of dying is practically impossible to deny. By accepting the harsh reality, although for some people it is very complicated, since it involves a lot of pain and they prefer to deny that they will soon leave. (In these cases they would need the help of a specialized therapist to be able to accept their own death and die in peace and calm.).
Some of them go through moments of anguish when they think about a future in which they will not participate., what will become of my children?, where will I be once I die? That is why it is very important to create spaces for communication so that they can express these emotional discomforts..
The terminal stage entails numerous losses: Loss of your physical well-being, functional capacity, its social role, body image, the projects I had, self-esteem, dreams... These small deaths should not be postponed.
Patients experiencing their own anticipated grief can rethink many things about the way they understand life from now on.. Many of the terminally ill report being less materialistic than before, They value the time they spend with their loved ones more, that quality time and this makes it easier for them to focus on the essentials of their existence and leave aside more superficial aspects.
Terminally ill people go through different emotions: (Some tips as a family member to help you better cope with the emotional process)
- Distress, anxiety. It is very difficult to ask and talk about death with our loved one., but it is important to listen to him and communicate. Asking him why you feel so anxious? That he can explain and verbalize the reason and there he can have his moment of relief..
- Fear, It usually appears along with anxiety. Each person is unique and different, therefore, The things that make you afraid will be yours alone., so it's good to talk to him. The fear of ceasing to exist, not knowing what the experience of death itself will be like, fear of pain… they tend to be the most common. Your company and support are very important because they help them put order in their emotions and also in their thoughts..
- Anger. Many terminally ill people feel angry because they believe that death is experienced as a severe punishment for something they have not done well., This belief is neither healthy nor real., death comes to us all, it's not a punishment, It is part of the cycle of life, since we are born we know that we will die. When we feel angry, it is good to find out why they feel that anger and towards whom so much anger is directed., so much anger.
- Sadness. Born from the need to say goodbye to your life, of your loved ones, for leaving everything you have had, etc. The normal thing is for him to cry and express his sadness by crying., This can be linked to a lack of desire to do things and a lack of energy.. Never forbid him to cry or tell him not to., It is advisable to allow him to cry. Crying is the way we regulate our grief, tears release what we feel inside. Here you can take the opportunity to hold his hand, caress him... make him feel accompanied, that you are with him/her.
- Culpa. Some loved ones feel guilty for something they are not responsible for or for issues such as not having followed the treatment as they told me., believing that they are a burden on my family, They compare themselves to other people and they are worse, scream a family member out of anger... Guilt arises when we judge ourselves, getting angry about something we have said or not said or have not done... Ask him if he feels guilty about something, if you suspect that he blames himself for something and does not express it openly.
The only way guilt can be released is by encouraging forgiveness. Forgive yourself, asking for forgiveness from people you believe you have hurt and harmed.
It is important for your loved one to accept that they were wrong., forgive or ask for forgiveness, since this way you will be able to free yourself from a heavy burden that you were carrying. - Amor. The most important emotion we can feel. Express all that love that you usually keep inside and do not share with him/her. Your loved one may show a greater need for contact by reaching for your hand, asking you to hug her... Talk to her, take his hand, besalo, it abraded, feel its smell, his body... you will take this with you.
Throughout the process these emotions will appear, as family, you can guide him through some simple relaxation.
If your loved one likes a particular type of music, A good way to reduce your anxiety is to play that music.. Music has been shown to help better control pain and reduce anxiety.
Remember past moments, shared vacation, funny moments... all this helps your loved one feel that life has been worth living and that there are many things to be grateful for and perhaps forgive.
Your presence in such a difficult time is more important than thousands of words. sit next to him, mírale, take his hand, Give him a kiss and let him take all that love with him, this helps you start more calmly.
Family members who accompany the end of life
The relatives, when they are accepting the anticipated process of losing their loved one, also goes through different emotions.
- Fear. The most common fears, that your family member suffers, fear talking to him about his departure, fear of not being present when he dies, fear of what will happen when he leaves...
These fears arise because you are living in the future, anticipating unknown things. It's something totally normal. - You have to focus on the now, in accompanying your loved one daily, in communicating emotionally with him/her, cry even in his presence if you need to. All the time you spend with your loved one will make the path of their departure easier.. Treasure memories, These will help you understand that you gave your best in those difficult moments..
- Anxiety. This emotion is very common, since it is difficult to internalize the idea of his departure. Your body also goes through a process of adaptation and acceptance of the loss., having trouble sleeping despite fatigue, increased or decreased appetite, muscle pain, fatigue, little desire to meet people, difficulties concentrating and paying attention...
It is very important that you rest, that you eat properly, don't eat unhealthy food, go for a walk a little and breathe. Don't forget yourself.
Take advantage of every day you can to hug him, kiss him, express your emotions, say goodbye, thank him for whatever you have to thank him for, Apologize if you must... - Sadness. when you feel sad, try to connect with your breath and your present. Let each inhalation and exhalation help you reconnect with yourself. Express this sorrow by crying, walking, drawing, writing, meditating... don't run away from sadness, This emotion tries to help you so that you can cope with the loss when the time comes..
It is important that you reserve times of the day to be alone with yourself and others when you must be accompanied. Let yourself be taken care of by others, you need it too and you deserve it.
Once your loved one has passed away, you must begin your duel and readjust to new roles, routines(no longer taking care of your family member or being with them daily).
Even if your loved one has left, He will always be by your side because he has left his mark on you and his entire environment.. Your expressions, joking, ways of thinking, his gestures, its smell.... His absence creates terrible pain for us., but he or she continues inside you.
Therapeutic support in anticipatory grief
In our current society we are experts in looking for shortcuts to avoid suffering., we want to reach serenity, to tranquility and calm, avoiding going through all the painful emotions that appear when an irreversible disease is diagnosed. When this happens, one is no longer who one was, something in your life has changed forever. It is very common to feel lost, misplaced, living nonsense on the vast majority of occasions. Since when a person is diagnosed with an incurable disease, we not only lose the person we love., but we also lose everything that can no longer be.
Painful experiences throughout the illness, the physical and emotional toll of the time you are caring for, that appear more strongly when our loved one dies, take their toll on the grieving process once you have left. Since while the patient lives, most of the energy and attention goes to him/her. When the person is missing one finds oneself.
Some guidelines:
- Try to preserve normality in our daily lives, at least as much as we can (work, do exercise, idle…)
- Find a space to be able to communicate freely from affection, respect, everything that is needed by both parties.
- Focus on the present, not anticipating going into the future. Enjoy all the beautiful and positive moments that this current moment can bring you, share your love, talk about pending matters, go places (if possible) enjoying that moment together... Don't miss the present worrying about an uncertain future. Take advantage of that time together, looking for some activities of common interest if you can and live it...
- Involve our sick loved one, take it into account as it had always been done(as much as possible and depending on the disease you have, but try)
- Talk about pending issues and accept individual and family reorganization (roles, unresolved issues before death...)
- Talk to your loved one about their wishes and needs in the face of death. This allows you to have a certain degree of control over the situation and at the same time also over the spiritual dimension and the will of your loved one..
- Self-care is essential. If you notice that you can't take care of yourself, that you have a bad diet, you don't sleep, you are very tired… ask a professional for help.
- Above all, avoid putting “rules” on the process.. There is no instruction manual for living this grief., each one lives, feel, think like the unique person you are.
- Avoid building a pantheon of pain in which I am constantly looking for the why and nourish myself only with suffering and not acceptance..
If you want to start your therapeutic process online, You can contact us by private message, We will be happy to accompany you
